Q. What is The Window of Tolerance in Caring? How to bring yourself back from hyperarousal and hypoarousal.
Another appointment, another request, another prescription to remember; is it any wonder you’re beginning to forget things? The list of responsibilities can feel endless for carers and it only seems to grow, particularly as your loved one progresses in their illness or needs become more complex. Previous ‘easy’ solutions have been exhausted, so not only do you have to find a different option, but it is objectively more complicated than before.
For many carers, a decline in the health of their loved one also means they can no longer turn to them for emotional support. A double whammy. Your caring responsibilities have increased and your support has decreased, not to mention trying to process the effect caring has had on your relationship. To make that even harder, many carers aim to protect the person they care for from feeling like a hindrance, often trying to conceal the strain they are really under, both mentally and physically.
But it is affecting you, how could it not? The increase in caring responsibilities isn’t linear when you consider the emotional strain; it increases exponentially. It’s a role nothing can prepare you for and you may find yourself drowning under the weight of it all, forgetting things, losing your temper and being short with your loved one. Maybe you’re even beginning to feel depressed or simply numb to it all?
A. The term ‘Window of Tolerance’ was coined by Dr Dan Siegel to describe the emotional space we have available to function at our best. It’s our zone of resilience – where we can process stress without feeling like we’re about to snap or shut down, and where our nervous system feels safest.
But as a carer, your window often shrinks because of the exponential increase of responsibilities. When the stress pushes you outside your window, you fall into one of two states:
- Hyper-arousal (The “Red” Zone): This is the ‘fight or flight’ response. You feel anxious, angry, or over stimulated. This is why you might find yourself snapping at your loved one or feeling like your heart is racing.
- Hypo-arousal (The “Blue” Zone): This is the ‘freeze’ response. You feel numb, spaced out, or ‘dead inside’. This is that feeling of being ‘done’ or depressed. It’s your body’s way of shutting down because it can’t process any more pain.
And if you’ve experienced a trauma in life, your Window of Tolerance is even slimmer, leaving more opportunity to fall into either zone when the every day stressors of the caring role come knocking.
What can you do to help yourself with carer stress?
If you are in Hyper-arousal (Anxious/Angry): You need to down-regulate your nervous system from the fight/flight state with mindfulness and grounding techniques.
- Exhale Longer than you Inhale: Breathe in for 4 seconds, breathe out for 6. This signals to your brain that there is no immediate sabre-tooth to fight.
- Heavy Work: Push against a wall with all your might for 10 seconds or carry a heavy basket of laundry. The physical resistance helps ground your “flight” energy.
If you are in Hypo-arousal (Numb/Spaced out): You need to up-regulate and wake up your senses from the freeze state using mindfulness and physical activity.
- Sensory Zing: Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube. The sharp temperature change can snap you back into the present.
- Movement: Shake out your arms and legs or put on one upbeat song and move your body.
- The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
Understanding your individual Window of Tolerance is the first step, but widening that window often requires a safe space to process the weight you’re carrying. If you’re tired of feeling overwhelmed and want to find your calm again, I’m here to help.
How can Katie Harris Counselling offer Carer Support?
I get it too, from both lived experience and from spending over 9 years working with specialist carer charities in the UK, where I developed and ran two counselling services specifically set up for Carers. Moving to the Hunter Region, Australia, I see the same issues both nationally and in my local Newcastle area, which is why I offer a reduced rate for Carer Counselling in Newcastle and Australia to ensure support is accessible.
Follow the link below to either book a ten-minute introductory call or, if you’re ready, to book your first session.
Note: If any of these exercises feel uncomfortable or increase your distress, stop immediately. Grounding is about finding what feels safe for your body.
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